Chinese Torture

Image borrowed (stolen) from Corbis

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard.

“I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?”

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my
daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

“OK,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, he entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his
room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”

“Well, that’s pretty crappy,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to
worry about.”

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read “Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”
In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few
broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,
“Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”

So funkey, too! Catch Teenie Weenie – Raw & Uncensored

Teenie Weenie tells us about how we take life too seriously. Seriously, funny. Catch it at YouTube.

So funkey! Catch Teenie Weenie – Raw Flesh

Pop parody at its best. This is well-acted and shot, convincing enough to be real! Heck, she even looks like Britney! So funkey! Catch it at YouTube.

Steve Jobs Talks About the iPhone (Parody)

Check this out, Steve Jobs talks about the iPhone in a TV interview.

Letter from Ah Beng

Dear Ah Lian,

Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything? For me, I am quiet find.

You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look?

Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly.

You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now. Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok. Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright.

Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family.

I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to you and to me.

Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me.

I will ketchup with you soon. And when you got time, please few free to call me.

Goo bye…..

Worm regard,
Ah Beng

Japan sends reinforcements to US

This was too good to pass up. Amusing!

Source: Unknown

Story of a Gay Flight Attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.”

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.”  To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you.  Tray-up, Bitch.”

Tua Pooi Soh Peauty Saloon

This is too bloody good to pass up. Enjoy!

 The phone rings.

Ah Lian quickly picks it up.

Ah Lian : Morning. Tua Pooi Soh Peauty Saloon here. You are now talking to Ah Lian.
Customer : Good morning Ah Lian. I want to fix appointment to clean my face. Is your Tua Pooi Soh in??
Ah Lian : Tau Keh Soh is going out 1 hour ago. Who on the line?
Customer : I am Auntie Mary. Your Tua Pooi Soh’s customer.
Ah Lian : Oh Auntie Mely. I can help you to fix appointment. Tomolo Tau Keh Soh appointment full house. Tomolo’s tomolo she got free. When you like to come?
Customer : I think some time next week. Can I confirm the date & time with you later?
Ah Lian : Sure sure. You can call me or fact your late & timing. Our fact lumber: jeelo two – two egg one sick for two fai sick. If you want, can rock on to our wet side to see our later awertaismen & plomosen. Our wet side : tapiu tapiu tapiu lot tpspeautysaloon lot kom lot mai. Anymore thing you want to talk? If no more I hang the phone.
Caller : Ah……no. You’ve been most helpful. Thanks.
Ah Lian : OK, when you free please come & sit. Pai.

Fancy learning English?

The Japanese way to learn English. Nandayo???

Our complicated life

Can I please have just a simple cake please?

More “Engrish” at… www.engrish.com